I have thoughts of doing a New Series one. If just to do Eccles's mad-wave "Hellooo!"
The Entire History of Dr Who...
in Six Minutes
COMPANION 1:
That girl Susan’s an oddball.
COMPANION 2:
She borrows my books.
COMPANION 1:
Let’s follow her home. Barbara! This police box is alive.
ENTER DR WHO, GRIPPING HIS LAPELS.
DR WHO:
What do you want, hmm?
COMPANION 1:
Excuse me, Dr Who...
DR WHO:
That’s not my name, Chatterton. This is the TARDIS. It’s like television. It doesn’t have wheels. You’re coming with me.
COMPANION 2:
I don’t know why, but I believe you.
DR WHO:
The ship still looks like a police box. That’s not right. Once it looked like a chair. I’m off for a smoke.
CAVEMAN:
Ug. Fire.
DR WHO:
Back to the ship! I’m giving up smoking. It gets me in trouble.
COMPANION 1:
Where are we? All the trees are dead. Can we stay in the ship?
DR WHO:
No, I’ve broken it and we need new mercury.
DALEK:
EXTERMINATE!
COMPANION 1:
My legs!
DALEK:
GIVE US YOUR DRUGS!
DR WHO:
Break their computer!
DALEK:
THIS... IS THE END... OF THE DAAAAAAAAAAALEKS.
DR WHO:
Susan, put those scissors down.
MARCO POLO:
Hello Dr Who, I’m Marco Polo. I don’t exist in the archives, but I’m really good.
YARTEK:
Hello Dr Who, I’m Yartek – Leader Of The Alien Voord. I do exist in the archives, and I’m rubbish.
DR WHO:
I should say there’s a pattern here.
TLOTXL:
Hello Dr Who, I’m Tlotxl, Aztec gentleman and –
DR WHO:
I don’t want to know.
TLOTXL:
But –
DR WHO:
Not one line.
COMPANION:
Doctor, I think you’ve got us home!
DALEK (swimming):
WE ARE THE MASTERS OF EARTH!
DR WHO:
Masters of Earth? You poor, pathetic creatures – we must dare to stop you! Oh, and Susan?
SUSAN:
Yes grandfather?
DR WHO:
I shall come back for The Five Doctors. See you.
PURVES:
Hello Dr Who, I’m Peter Purves, pilot of the future.
DR WHO:
You don’t look like you’re from the future in that sweater, m’boy!
PURVES:
I have a Panda called Hi-fi.
DR WHO:
So you do. Happy Christmas.
DALEK:
PLEASE CAN WE HAVE OUR TARANIUM CORE BACK PLEASE MISTER?
PURVES:
They’ve killed the new girls!
DR WHO:
Call that a masterplan? It’s not very clever at all, just The Chase for twice as long!
DALEK:
THIS... IS THE END... OF THE DAAAAAAAAAAALEKS.
CYBERMAN (with sing song voice):
Hello Dr Who. I am Krang of the Cybermen. We will move our planet near your planet and take over your planet with our planet.
[Beat]
Oh. Our planet being near your planet has destroyed our planet. Not that I care.
DR WHO:
I’m feeling tired and moody and... and...
THE NEW DR WHO TAKES HIS PLACE.
NEW DR WHO:
... and I want to play the recorder!
POLLY:
But Ben! That’s not Dr Who!
DALEK:
HELLO DR WHO. EXTERMINATE.
POLLY:
Oh, well if the Daleks recognise him.
DR WHO:
Oh my giddy aunt. My trousers are shrinking and I’ve lost my hat.
THE DALEK ADVANCES.
DR WHO (with JAMIE hiding behind him): Don’t worry Jamie, it’s all done with mirrors.
JAMIE:
Have some Jamie Factor, laddie!
DALEK:
OCH! THIS... IS THE END... OF THE DAAAAAAAAAAALEKS.
DR WHO:
Look out Jamie! Monsters for weeks and weeks!
TIME LORD:
Dr Who! What have you been up to?
DR WHO:
Oh no! My people! Um... well...
TIME LORD:
Don’t try to wriggle out of it – we’ve got quite a lot of video clips.
DR WHO:
I’ve battled the most terrible monsters. The Daleks! The Cybermen! And... and... the Quarks!
TIME LORD:
You’ve been very naughty. So we’re going to exile you to Earth during the early, experimental years of Colour Separation Overlay.
DR WHO:
You utter shits! Nooooooooo....
THE NEW DR WHO TAKES HIS PLACE, FALLS OVER.
BRIGADIER:
I say old man, you’re not the Dr Who I know!
DR WHO:
Shoes.
BRIGADIER:
How about a job as my scientific advisor?
JO GRANT:
Can I have a job too? I did general science at A level.
MASTER:
You will obey me.
JO GRANT:
I won’t! I won’t! And I’m marrying my boyfriend!
DR WHO:
Jehosophat, Brigadier. Captain Yates has been up to something despicable behind our backs!
BRIGADIER:
He can’t be all bent - he said about the spiders.
DR WHO:
Spiders? I’m scared to death of them.
BRIGADIER:
Here we go again.
THE NEW DR WHO HAS MAD EYES.
BRIGADIER:
You all right, Doctor?
DR WHO:
What?!? Of course!?! Feck!?! Girls!?! Wires! Little leather costumes!?! Dog!
K9: Affirmative, master.
DR WHO (morosely):
Actually. Now I’ve had Romana, I might just... let go. (Gestures as per Logopolis).
NEW DR WHO (tossing hair, looking pretty):
Hmmm. Adric’s died and it’s all my fault. I’m a bit blond, me.
THE FIRST DR WHO:
Goodness me! So there are five of me now!
PERI (acting with breasts):
Dark-ter! Turlough rescued me from drowning, and now I’m covered in this horrid sticky stuff!
DR WHO:
Hold tight, Peri, and swallow my milk. Gosh, none left for me. Is this death? Adric!
PERI:
Dark-ter – you’ve changed. Ezz sarm-then rarng?
NEW DR WHO:
Sacked? Sacked?? SACKED??!?
A NEW DR WHO TAKES HIS PLACE.
DALEK:
DOCTOR! A NEW APPEARANCE!
DR WHO (now all moody):
So, you’ve conquered stairs. You better have the Hand of Omega. Bwah ha ha!
DALEK:
WE DESTROYED OUR PLANET! THIS... IS THE END... OF THE DAAAAAAAAAAALEKS.
ACE (cockernee):
‘Ere Professor, I ain’t a little girl no more.
DR WHO:
You’re shit, ah. No, I lied. Come on Hace, we’ve got work to do. Oh no! I’ve been shot!
NEW DR WHO:
Puccini!
[He turns on GRACE.]
You stuck your tube in me. Now it’s my turn…
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